What’s in your head?
When I agreed to write these monthly posts I promised to be honest. And I feel confessional, but I declare that this will be the last post explaining how I didn’t get any writing done. However, until next month, I need to face something. I’m scared. Scared, I’m not good enough. Scared, I’ll never have anything completed. Scared, I’m a fraud. Scared, writing isn’t what I was meant to do. I understand that all writers have these thoughts, but honestly, until recently I was void of these.
Maybe, that’s a good sign?
It shows deep down I really want it, however I’m finding it difficult to move forward. This last month has been the worst wheel spinning to date. When did this begin? I’m not sure, but fear and anxiety crept in and took up lodging in my brain. In an attempt to overcome this fear I’ve been searching for the perfect way to outline. My idea being that if I improve my process it will wash out the doubt, fear, and anxiety. If I could find the magic formula to get over the hump and get to the finish line, then all would be solved. Well, I’m still searching. And by the way, I haven’t found the best way to outline, and I’m questioning if outlining is my problem at all. I keep pondering, maybe I should try this, or maybe that, and so on, and so on.
My head’s so full it might explode.
I apologize about my whining, and I know I should just get over myself. On the other hand, I want to be honest with you and give you an accurate account of this journey. As of today, I’m suffering from analysis paralysis and feel frustrated. It amazes me how I can be my own worst enemy and not complete work. This has never happened to me in any other pursuit. The lack of self confidence is nearly sickening. Writing is an unique endeavor. Most other pursuits have a road map or at least a mentor that can coach you through the steps. Writing is an individual thing. It seems no one does it exactly the same way, however there is so much commonality if feels like we do. I’m certain I’ll find my way through this, and when I do I’ll let you know how it happened.
In other news…
To turn away from the self-loathing there is something I’m very excited about. I’m in the process of renting an office. Now you might be thinking, ‘aren’t you getting ahead of yourself’? Well, one thing I figured out early on was I need chunks of uninterrupted time to get writing accomplished. And no matter my planning, that doesn’t happen at my house often enough. So I found a small place in town where I can go and lock the door. It’s in a quiet area, but within walking distance of some restaurants and shops. I had to open a line of credit at the bank to get it, but I believe it will be well worth it. If everything goes through I should move in around the first of June. Possibly, that will be in the next update. Thanks for reading and until next time, happy writing.